you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
