She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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