70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
