you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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