Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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