we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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