Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
