There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
