I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You can't motorboat a personality
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
