Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
