I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
