You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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