2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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