My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
