I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You are a genius and a whore.
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