i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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