dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
