She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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