Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
