then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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