I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
