I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I need moral support for this bender
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
