Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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