I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am mentally ready for anal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
