My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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