finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
