She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
