I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
