just survived the first fart of the relationship.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
