Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Bring me that man meat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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