this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
