Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
and you fell through a lawn chair
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
