Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
