Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
