things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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