Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
