Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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