She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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