god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
