She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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