seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
