Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
