I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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