i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
