Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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