Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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