He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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