The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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