I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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