just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
